I’m Letting Go
I cannot remember when exactly I watched I’m Thinking of Ending Things (2020). I just remember that it was at the end of a not so good day with a bottle of wine. It was a particularly difficult choice to make to watch it, because I was evidently in need of a pick-me-up. However, the film, in true Charlie Kaufman fashion, was a revelation. For myself. Which I have come to realize only now, perhaps a month or so later. This is also perhaps the longest I have thought and re-thought about writing something on this space.
A disclaimer: this post is not going be a review of the film. It deals with a much more personal topic––what ‘letting go’ or ‘ending things’ means to me at this juncture of my life. I will give you some context for the film, though, because I do not know if this post will take you away from your commitment to binge-watching Bridgerton. An unnamed young woman travels to the family home of her boyfriend to meet his parents. At his parents’ house things take a turn, when the young woman goes on a journey of discovery about her relationship with her boyfriend and his relationship with his parents. The parents are good hosts, but there is inevitable tension caused by the encounter that happens amidst the seclusion of their farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Scenes from the dinner table cut in and out from scenes from a janitor at a high school working while observing students practicing for their upcoming production of Oklahoma!.
I have been feeling like the young woman in the film so much in the past few months. I do not think I have ever related to a fictional character in such a strong way. Her sense of loss, grief, disappointment, and most importantly, the need to ‘let go’ of something that is no longer working has been a recurring thought almost every day in my mind. It weirdly feels as if I am growing, and I keep hearing that this is exactly how I should feel with time passing, but why is it so unsettling? Why does no one talk about it? Or has everyone been talking about it and I never understood any of it?
The young woman in I’m Thinking of Ending Things says this at one point of the film:
“People like to think of themselves as points moving through time, but I think it’s probably the opposite. We’re stationary and time passes through us, blowing like cold wind, stealing our heat, leaving us chapped and frozen.”
I do not think I could have articulated my sentiments better about what I have been experiencing ever since I turned a corner late last year. As a 26 year-old I feel like I am ‘stationary’––not ‘stuck’––but just another person trying to protect themselves from the cold and the dark. I had many coping mechanisms as a young adult to protect myself, and they ranged from taking as many exams as possible to keep myself mentally occupied, to using occasional dark humour and sarcasm. Ask anyone who knows me from school, and their opinion of me would be “ah that really blunt (and kind of mean) girl who got straight As.” These coping mechanisms have not worked well for me.
Hard work puts me in a never-ending cycle of unhealthy competition. However much you try to convince me that competition will inspire me to do better, I do not think I will agree with you. Healthy competition, perhaps. But not the kind of unhealthy competition that is perpetuated in the Sri Lankan education system. When I left school I made a conscious decision to let go of this particular coping mechanism. This led me to choose to major in English at a local university (despite being qualified to study Law at the same university). I genuinely thought I would be among students just like me who were passionate about the subject, and therefore not overly focused on being the best in the class. I also wanted to understand what healthy, helpful criticism looks like. I did learn this to a certain extent, but not to an extent which I would have preferred. I graduated yet again as the ‘hardworking, competitive student’. This is when I realized that I truly needed to work on ‘letting go’ of competition. It has been difficult, because this means I stop comparing myself to others, and stop considering their wins as my failures. I have had to really dig deep into where I derive my self-esteem from, and slowly let go of negative thinking patterns. I have not made a lot of progress because of one more thing: my lack of boundaries. I have realized this after many intense sessions of therapy.
I know what you are thinking. ‘Boundaries’ is everywhere in the mental health discourse, you are probably tired of hearing the word. Stop for a while and think, though. Aren’t boundaries necessary, even if they are so difficult to implement? I have been ruminating about this over the past month, especially about close family and friends. With no more lockdown in Colombo, December and January have been really over-stimulating socially. Christmas has never felt so unnerving and overwhelming. At each family gathering I was being asked the same questions about three different topics.
About my fraught relationship with the legal profession: “when are you taking oaths as a lawyer? When are you taking over your father’s clientele? When can you do some legal work for me (for free)? Are you giving up on Law? But why make such a stupid decision, lawyers earn so much!”
About my relationship status: “Why do you not have a boy in your life yet? It’s time. Your eggs won’t be there for much longer. Just go out and do some mingling? Have you really never tried showing interest towards a boy? They, too like to be chased, you know.”
About my appearance: “You seem to be ‘growing’ so much. You must be a good 90 kilos now, no? Shall I recommend a gym? You should try this new fairness cream?”
If you are appalled, don’t be. These are real questions/statements I have heard just in the past four weeks, and perhaps in the last 3 years at least. Not even my parents and siblings ask me these questions. My father accepted my decision to pursue a career in the Arts when I was 16. He sold his office that was in a prime location near the Supreme Court of Sri Lanka more than 4 years ago, and now works mostly from home. My parents have never asked me to settle down with a man just to tick it off my to-do list of life. My mother gets anxious once in a while about my loneliness, but she knows that finding the right person requires patience. I accepted my dark skin a long time ago, and my large thighs rather recently, but with conviction that I would never look back. I also decided to take the first step and stop commenting on other people’s bodies in general.
My friend got married recently, and I wanted to wear this beautiful magenta and gold saree of my mother’s to the wedding. The dresser had so much to say about the fit of my jacket being uneven, and about my body being just not-that-type for that saree.
Photo credits to my friend who shall remain anonymous…
I uploaded this photo on Instagram, and so many of you had such lovely things to say. What you do not know is that I was crying just a few hours before this was taken. Everything was piling up in my head and I erupted. But not volcano-style, because there was no angry hot lava. I was just hurt. When I had finally decided to make progress in terms of my self-esteem, people’s opinions were keeping me at bay. These are also opinions I cannot change. Many of us are conditioned by society to think in this way. I realize now that I need to draw tough but necessary boundaries and stay away from encounters that perpetuate these narratives and discourses.
This is for the persons who know me closely. If you are family, and you do not see me around much on social media or in person, it is because I need to let go of you for myself. For now. Maybe in the future I will be back. If you are a friend, and you notice me being hesitant about meeting up, it is because I need to let go of you for myself. That may seem selfish, but I want to end this vicious cycle we are in for the sake of the future generations.
However, I have an extra message to you, my friends: instead of criticizing or judging each other’s life choices, why don’t we try to be more curious about them? Let’s talk about why we chose to study Engineering while another person chose Anthropology. Why we agreed to a marriage proposal while another person decided to casually date someone to see where things go. Let’s try to understand and learn from each other’s different perspectives without role-playing tribunal in every personal aspect of our lives. I am going to try this in 2021. This is how I am going to brave the storm this year, so I no longer feel like the misunderstood and misinterpreted imposter in a room full of people, and nor does anyone else around me.
P.S. If this post resonates with you, please let me know. I would love to talk to you.
P.S.S. I’m sorry if you expected something pop-culture related. I promise you I will be back to my usual programming from next month. I just needed to write this for now. But I do think posts of this nature will only add value to my blog and my writing practice.
